Mental Health... and Why I Think it's Important, Especially Now (2020)!

(Hate has no home anywhere!!)

Ok, I figured I would get into this a little bit, cause a little earlier today, I was out on my balcony, and I noticed a crowd of people hanging out at the Safeway across the street from me. There was about 10 of them... and something I've noticed about the area recently, is that there are a lot of drug users and shit coming into the area... and they are doing drugs right out in the open... wherever and whenever, could be broad daylight, could be in the evening. With the recent going-on's in the world (you know, the pandemic and shit), and everyone being affected by these things... our provincial government decided to defund the safe injection sites in the area... and now there are an influx of drug users in the area... and it is really fuckin sad... cause these people used to have somewhere safe to go, and now they are doing it wherever and whenever... and they are not getting at least some of the help that they need, and likely there are gonna be overdoses and people dying in the street in the area... now you would think the government would have kept them open, being that, right now... and especially right now, that there is a lot of stress and a lot of people suffering in the mental health department, which would lead to more people using... so you think it would be logical to keep things open, so people don't fucking die unnecessarily!

So, I'm gonna say here again, drug use... is a mental health issue! Generally, people use, cause they have an underlying mental illness that they are trying to cope with, or... they have deep seated trauma, that they don't know how to deal with, and once again... try to cope by using drugs. I could get into some commentary on why I think we should legalize all drugs, but that is maybe something I'll get into another time. But, what I'm getting at is... if these people learnt better ways to cope... without the use of street drugs, but proper counselling and maybe medication of some kind (if there is a mental illness involved)... I think that most if not all drug addiction issues would be solved! If we deal with drug addiction as a mental health issue, rather than an addiction issue... that the government thinks should be criminalized, I think society and humanity would be in a way better place, cause these people would have tools and proper coping techniques that will keep them away from using street drugs.

I also want to mention here, that I do think that racism, and hate... is a mental health issue as well. Think about all the time and energy someone puts into being hateful and angry at someone who has a different cultural background than themselves. They aren't happy. They have not found inner peace. They feel that they need to spread their hatred and anger. They feel that people of other cultural backgrounds should not live... some people are so angry that, they want, or are willing to take another persons life, because they are from a different culture, or are a person of color, or whatever. That, is a mental issue... and ultimately that boils down to a mental health issue.

So, once again I'm going to mention here, my music endeavor Twitch... we are trying to raise funds for the Mental Health Research Canada charity... so if you want to support this cause, in helping better research when it comes to mental health... and finding better ways to cope... from July 10th/2020 to August 7th/2020 we will be donating all album sales on our Bandcamp here to the Mental Health Research Canada charity! You can find more info about them here! 

We hope you consider supporting this great cause, and hey... I mean you'll get some great music out of it!!

Stay safe folks!

Ok, Folks! I Am Not Doing This Shit Anymore!!

Ok, folks! I am not doing this shit anymore, I'm not fucking around anymore!!! In the last couple of months, you know, I know, everyone fucking knows the situation! The world is essentially standing still, due to this pandemic. There have been all kinds of things go on between the start of this self-isolation, and social-distancing periods. I mean the murder of black man George Floyd by a police officer in the states, the protests and riots that resulted after that. There's all kinds of political plays going on in the neighbors to the South of us. There's been an absolute lack of leadership, there. There's been well, I'm not sure how to comment on the leadership of our country, but we are certainly doing much better numbers wise with the pandemic than our southern neighbors. Although, the leadership in our Province is well, a fucking gong show... absolute fuckin insanity in the way things have rolled out here (Bill 1 anyone?) It's very concerning as a lot of friends and family are really unsure of how things are gonna roll out... remember this is all during a pandemic... all of this!

I know I am struggling right now, I know I have family and friends that are struggling, so.. that got me thinking, I've struggled a lot with my mental health over the last, well...21 years... it wasn't until these last... well since I started really trying to get Twitch out there and really starting to focus on live shows and performing which wasn't until around 2011-12, which is also when I realized music and performing were essentially keeping me sane! I will say between 1999 - 2004 was where I really struggled a lot! There were a lot of doctors and such getting involved. Most of them didn't know what was wrong with me. Then in fall of 2001, basically just after 9/11... I ended up getting into a bit of trouble. I would say though, even though I got into that trouble... there was a month period where I was talking to doctors... and I finally got the help I needed... and it put me on the path I am on today!! Course there were missteps between 2001 and 2004, but after 2004 I realized I can't do this mental illness thing, it's too stressful! So, I made a deal with myself, as well as some family and friends that when I'm feeling off, to let them know... and reach out (if you need to do this... do not be afraid, tell your close friends or supportive family members, what is going on... and make sure you tell them what you need, or what would be helpful for you)!

Course over the years I've managed to find coping techniques that work for me, but it wasn't until I decided to not do this mental illness thing and really take care of myself, and not fuckin end up in these mental places. Yes, I do have a mental illness, but I absolutely don't let it run my life, for me it was about deciding that quite frankly, I'm not fucking around anymore, I'm not wasting anymore time on this, I have dreams, and goals, and a life to live! So, where am I going with this... after some long and hard thoughts, I'm going to be raising the price of the latest Twitch album "Databomb" to $5 for a digital copy, or if you want to pay more, you can go ahead and do that... every sale of this album from now: July 10/2020 till August 7/2020 will go toward: Mental Health Research Canada! 

Here is what they are about: 

 

We advance outcomes-driven mental health that betters the lives of all Canadians.

Mental Health Research Canada (MHRC) is a national, charitable organization that is dedicated to improving the lives of the 1 in 5 Canadians living with mental illness, as well as their families, caregivers and communities. We do this by advancing evidence-based mental health research that is problem-solving, cost-effective and usable in the real world.

We all have mental health. Mental health is the foundation for our emotions, thinking, communication, learning, resilience and self-esteem. It allows us to form healthy personal and professional relationships, sustain our emotional well-being, and contribute to our workplace and society. Mental illness occurs when a mental health disorder or condition disrupts our normal functioning. By the time Canadians turn 40 years old, 50% of us will have – or have had – a mental illness.

Because MHRC is committed to building knowledge that will have deep impact with Canadians, we place at the centre of our research process those who will use it – people with lived experience. We also consult and partner with other funders and stakeholders, including other mental health organizations, social agencies, entrepreneurs, business and government, in creative and collaborative ways.

Here's why I'm choosing this charity; first: the one thing that has resonated with me throughout this pandemic is my mental health and state, it is the one thing I struggle with, if there is no one to chat to or be social with... and I felt best bringing awareness for this charity and  the work that they do! I think it is very important for proper mental health research so we can better accommodate people who are struggling with their mental health, and to even learn from this pandemic on the effects how isolation affects our mental health, and better the ways we can deal with it! Although, the charities scope is vast... I think ultimately in the end, having better mental health research, will better help us understand human psychology and how to cope better in these situations and ultimately possibly help us find better coping techniques overall, and you know... if we have a better understanding of our psychology, and the way our minds work, and... ultimately what is going to bring us peace (personally), or some kind of peace internally, I think the entire world will be better off for it, and I do think truly humanity will start to have an understanding of each other, maybe learn to accept each others differences and such... and maybe we as a human species will actually find some kind of peace externally... and... yeah... I think you know what I’m getting at!

I hope you folks are well!

Here's the new Twitch album "Databomb"!

Musical Choices that are Keeping Me Mentally Healthy During this Self-Isolation.

(Cyberpunk Seoul)

Well, my latest musical choices have been keeping me inspired, motivated, and energized! It's interesting the musical listening choices I have been making during this pandemic, and period of self-isolation. Now, initially I was trying to stay away from music that was typically Cyberpunk themed, cause initially focusing on that and listening to the lyric content kinda stressed me out, and quite frankly being that dystopia may be a reality or possibly could be a reality, just focusing on that aspect it was initially stressful, but as of recently, I accidentally turned on Blush Response... and at first I was like "Nope. Not the right music for right now.", but I let it play through a little bit of the song, and I wasn't stressed out anymore, I was actually enjoying it. Now that is definitely not a commentary of where I think things are going... I still think that dystopia is bad, and I do think we need to do whatever it takes to not end up in that reality... but for some reason I'm finding music that has cyberpunk themes inspiring right now... and I will be honest, I haven't really been listening to a lot of the old standards that you would think would help with maintaining a healthy mindset. Like, even though Nine Inch Nails has released their new "Ghosts: V - VI", I truthfully am having a harder time listening, at least to side VI, cause it really is too dark and depressive for me, cause I do think musically, it captures at least part of what I am feeling right now, and I feel like, to maintain mental health, I just have to avoid listening to it (truthfully speaking, I haven't listened to a lot of NIN in these past 3ish months... the most I've listened to them was a few days ago, when a DJ here in Calgary, hosted a NIN night on Twitch.tv, that is it). 

(Deckard Cain)

There is a select list of bands that I am listening to right now, like I said... not the usual standards to help maintain a healthy mindset (which right now, I don't feel is helping maintain my mindset), but new stuff that I typically wouldn't listen to... here's some of the bands I've been listening to these days: Dope Stars Inc (I absolutely do not know why I'm listening to them, normally in the past I wouldn't have, but I feel like their music is really resonating with me right now). Blush Response (like I said, initially when listening to them, it was actually causing stress, but for some reason now, I'm really connecting with it). Chrysalide, Atari Teenage Riot (anything that is typically labeled Digital Hardcore). Cocksure. Cubanate. Cyanotic. Encephalon. Era Nocturna (not entirely sure why, but I feel her music is kinda this calmness, and currently what fits on the playlist that isn't heavy or hard). Covenant is also on this list (but, thematically their music seems to fit and is helping me stay focused, even though they are kind of an old standard... "Dreams Of A Cryotank" seems to be really helping with my mindset). Fear Factory is also on this list. Julian-K (their latest album "Harmonic Disruptor" is excellent). Paul Barker's Malekko is also on the list (just purely from a sound design aspect, for some reason this is fitting into the list). Nevada Hardware. Some noise stuff as well like; P.A.L., NeedleSpit, Stahlschlag and Wychdoktor. Panic Lift is also on the list. A band called The Rain Kills Quietly (dark industrial techno type stuff, for some reason really helping out with the mindset). Skinny Puppy (I realize they are an old standard, but they are on the list as well, and I'm finding their music really helping with the mindset). I realize this band may not fit into the industrial side of things, actually these next couple of bands don't, and they are kind of old standards, at least for me: Slipknot (only a select couple of tracks), as well as Sepultura (once again, a select couple of tracks), and Korn... now these bands are on the list, cause they are heavy, and seem to capture a part of what I'm feeling right now. Standalone and Hate Dept. are also on the list. Yes, also my own project Twitch is on the list. Venus In Aries. Wumpscut. And finally even though I haven't listened to a lot of Nine Inch Nails in the last little while, after the NIN night on Twitch.tv that a DJ from Calgary hosted, I added them to the playlist, cause it really has been quite some time since I've listened to NIN, and I realized I was missing them (but that was really only in the last couple of days here... so yeah, it's been a while)!

(Out for a walk during this period of Self-Isolation and Social-Distancing)

So, that seems to be the playlist recently, and what has been keeping me mentally well, focused, and highly inspired in my own endeavor. You can listen with us here!

What music has been helping with your mindset and keeping you inspired, and motivated during this period of self-isolation?

Missing the Club, the Scene, the Connected nature of being together in one place for the purpose of socialization and celebration...

(Can't remember what show this was, but yeah, enjoying being with friends)

Well, as you may have guessed from that long title, I really miss the club, going out and dancing, going to shows/concerts all that kind of shit! I miss the connected nature of being in one place to socialize and celebrate with friends, to have debates and discussions, and even being able to really show our friends our love for them, by giving them a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a handshake... all that kind of shit. I have been connecting with friends via video chat and such like that, I've also participated in live streaming Goth/Industrial DJ events, even watched live stream performance stuff too... but even though we can still connect that way, it's not the same as being present, being able to physically give someone a hug, being able to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, or even someone new to the scene... I love the culture, of being able to go to a club or show, and being able to converse, celebrate, debate, dance, watch bands perform, all that kind of shit. I love being with like-minded people, or people of my kind, I love the community... even when not knowing someone, realizing that they are there, and they are a part of the same community, even though their participation in events and shows may not be the same as another person, just the fact that they are there... they show their support for the community/scene, and their similar interest. I miss the solace of hearing loud music, being able to dance, and being with my people! I know I've mentioned this in an Instagram post I made within the last week and a half or so, but I know some of you folks that follow this blog don't follow Twitch on Instagram, so I figured I would kind of post those thoughts here as well, and kind of expand on them.

The one thing about humanity is our social nature, as a human in order to survive, we need to communicate, we need to be connected to others... whether that was talking, or showing each other physical affection. Some people can go for a long time isolated, others not so... I know for myself, I don't do very well with lack of social contact, I suffer a lot mentally, when I can't connect with friends socially and physically connecting. I am an extrovert... so self-isolation is very tough for me, but even that being the case, I've dealt with isolation, and kind of being forced into isolation for a very long time... at least the last 20 years or so. Obviously, I haven't been isolated for that entire time span, but there have been stints of spending a month or month and a half, not talking to anyone (including family), outside of going to the grocery store and chatting very quickly with the cashier or whatever (but that really isn't socialization, that is a transaction, and them making sure I got everything I needed on my list)...

...I will say this time around, it's not as bad as I initially thought this whole self-isolation thing was going to be... yes, it sucks, but being that I have spent a lot of time kind of being forced into isolation... I feel that I'm so used to it now, that it's not such a big deal... now that I look at this whole situation, and my past issues with being forced into isolation... if I wasn't forced into isolation, my first album wouldn't have been written... and the albums after, would not have been written either... when my second album "We Are Here To Dance!" was being written, before I really started to hunker down and work on it... I ended up getting into trouble mentally... but after I started to deal with the mental side... I realized that I needed to work on my music, so in order to cope, I picked a day a week that I would specifically work on music, no matter how I felt (happens to be every Saturday... still is too)! That really helped...

(Friday The 13th, May BLACKOUT! Show)

...Eventually, I would run into more mental health trouble while working on "TCP/IP" and it wasn't so much the writing part that I wasn't focusing on... I was spending every Saturday working on it, but I started to realize that it was time to start working on doing live shows (I hadn't done one yet, and I realized it was something that I have to do)... eventually I did my first live show, and that helped mentally... I actually found inspiration for the album after that, "Welcome"! Of course... before I released "Welcome", I ended up running into mental health problems again... but this time, I eventually realized that I need to be consistent in live shows... I hadn't done another one, since that first one in 2004 for "TCP/IP"... I also held off on finishing "Welcome" cause I was on the search for a guitarist for writing purposes to help me finish the album, and also help out in the live show department, but I could not find one (and there were a lot of flakes... [talk the talk, but don't walk the walk]), then after having a conversation with an old friend and guitarist who did guitars on Twitch's first "Self-Titled" release (1999), and them taking a listen to the album, they figured that there was nothing that was needed on the album... long story short, I did all the guitars myself... and that was enough for the album. So, I eventually released "Welcome" after that friend suggested what was on the album was enough... and with me holding on to this idea that I wanted to perform live, and do it consistently, cause I realized that that was a necessity for me (to stay mentally healthy), as well as consistently writing music... I eventually found people who wanted to be a part of Twitch's live show, and it was 2012 that I eventually ended up starting to play live more consistently... and ever since then, I realized these are things that, well... I have to do in order to maintain my mental health... all of this was born out of isolation. If the forced isolation hadn't happened, I wouldn't have realized any of this...

(Standalone at Terminus)

...So, that brings me back full circle, we as a human species will have to get through this, obviously our normal will look different, but at some point we are gonna need to reconnect... our connection to others comes from being present with others in the same room... but I will also say, I am doing fairly well mentally right now, through all the years, I am realizing, this has been a theme, throughout my life, and I guess, even though it's kind of shitty, I'm getting used to being isolated, even though I'm extroverted... generally good things have eventually come out of the forced isolation (although, it has usually been from a spout of not being healthy mentally, and then eventually realizing there are certain things I need to do, in order to cope and be mentally healthy), aaand I've got alternatives for now, for what I can do to mitigate that isolated feeling... regarding doing shows, and doing music related, or music things, as well as all the other creative shit that I do!

So, yeah... I'm missing the community, I'm missing my friends, I miss the physical connection, I miss the hugs, handshakes, pats on the back, the conversations, the dancing, the live shows... all of it... and I do think it is important, that after this gets sorted out, we throw a party, a very big, let the fuckin city/country/world/universe know that any and every fuckin obstacle will be overcome party! Cause I will need it, and you need it, and they need it, we all fuckin need it!! We need to celebrate, and we need to reconnect!

Your Canadian Goth / Rivethead,
Shayne "Daemon_w60" Lawrence / Twitch


P.S.: We are having a "Self-Isolation Living Room Dance Party" Live Stream performance on our Twitch Facebook page here on Thursday, April 16th / 2020 at 7pm! I would love it if we could connect there, until this shit gets sorted!

Here's the event page for details!

Love ya!!

A Twitch Story: My Time on The Streets and The Waking up Freezing Story

(Broadway Avenue in Saskatoon, SK, Canada)

You might have seen it in our "Making of Databomb" mini-documentary (I went into this a little bit there), but I thought I would get into some of the time I spent on the streets when I was in my late teens (around 1996)... more for your educational purposes. There are a lot of stories to tell around this time, but I'm sharing this particular one, cause it was right around when the weather was starting to warm up slightly, but cold enough to still freeze... I wasn't prepared for the freezing temperature (but who really is when you decide to live on the streets). So, it had gotten colder, and we had sleeping bags and shit, and my sleeping bag wasn't all that great. So, early in the morning (think 5am or so), I wake up, and I'm fucking freezing. So, I get up... wake up my friend and tell him, that I'm cold, he asks "...You're cold?", and I respond "No I'm alright", then he asks "Are you sure?", and I'm like "I'm cold.", he then tells me to go into this indoor area, where it is heated... man was I fuckin delirious... so fucking cold that I couldn't think straight... I took my stuff and went into this heated area and hung out there, I can't remember for how long, but if I'm not mistaken... until my friend finally woke up, and it was time for us to head somewhere else (I think probably to find food).

At first, we kinda looked at it (the streets) as an adventure, but then after a while you realize... if you don't get off the streets, you'll end up fucked somewhere. Now eventually, my friend and I got off the streets, but it is an experience that him and I will never forget... you learn a lot... especially when it comes to survival, and for us, the will to get off the streets was definitely instilled! After getting off the streets eventually the will to having some kind of life after... is instilled as well. You also realize, that there are a lot of people who tend to be out of touch when it comes to helping people and others (especially politicians, when they make certain decisions)... You also realize that the streets, the communities, the neighborhoods... these are our people... we are all one, and no one can take that away from us.

(I do believe more of Broadway Avenue in Saskatoon, SK, Canada)

Anyway, I thought I would share that story... maybe you learned something from it, maybe not... I might tell more of these stories... we'll see...

I guess the whole point of me telling this story is... yeah, I did survive it, I've seen things you people wouldn't believe 😉, attack ships on fire off the shore of the South Saskatchewan River, I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near Broadway Avenue... lol! Out of all seriousness, yeah... I did survive it, and the experience made me ultimately realize that certain people are really out of touch when it comes to helping others... aaaaaaaand, ultimately the streets, the communities, the neighborhoods... well reiterating what I said above... we truly are all one, and no one can take that away from us.

Love you folks, not sure if this was helpful, but I had a story in me that I needed to get out!

Let me know your thoughts!

Twitch Vlog: Dreams, Mental State & Album Details!

Self-Isolation and De-Stressing

(Let your hair out and headbang!! Short hair? Who cares... do it anyway!! 😜)

In my last video (here), I had a little bit of a dance party in my living room, it was a solo dance party, but a dance party none-the-less... so I wanted to talk about a couple of tips that you can use to de-stress and you know... not take shit too seriously... so, here they are:

Tip 1: This tip is probably the most obvious tip... have a dance party in your living room, with your partner, or if you are self-isolating, or quarantining... a solo-dance party... yeah, that's right! Break out the tunes, turn them up a little bit and dance your ass off!! The key here is to have fun!

Tip 2: Learn something new... if you are not currently working, due to the virus, it is a great time to use online learning tools, like Lynda.com to educate yourself and learn something new. For instance; music production techniques (you can find a lot of these on Youtube too), or how to use the Microsoft Office Suites (this is a great way to expand your knowledge of the tools typically used in an office environment to write letters, or send emails, or keep track of budgets, or do desktop publishing, all kinds of shit)... there is a lot of good things out there to learn and to keep your mind active!

Tip 3: Work-out / Exercise: This one is key, working out can relieve stress and improve your overall health! Hey, you get bigger muscles out of it too!

Tip 4: Going out for walks is a great way to get outside and get a breath of fresh air, and sometimes getting out of your creative space, or work space, can really reset and refresh your mind, and you can come from a different head space and refocus on whatever you are working on!

Tip 5: This one people really don't do enough, or at all... Meditate... spending time to meditate can really clear your mind, or even help you focus on the important things and what the next steps are that you need to take in your creative, work, or other endeavors! Even just resetting and refreshing your mind... can do wonders... your mind will be clearer, you will feel more relaxed and ready to take on the next challenges (whether work, creative, or next steps to reach your goals)!

Tip 6: Something else that may help you is... get creative! If you are an artist, musician, or some kind of creative... write a song, write an album, paint, draw... really express what is going on inside you right now... getting those things out will help you cope with what is currently going on!!

Tip 7: Watch a movie or TV show... yeah, we need escapes sometimes!

Tip 8: Play a game; whether it's board games, video/computer games, card games, whatever...

Tip 9: Read something; whether it's a fictional book, a comic book, something educational... or what have you!!

I think I'll leave things off here, there's a lot of tips you can utilize here... I mean these will get you started to de-stressing and not worry about what is currently going on!

I will make a note here; it is very important for you folks to remember, life is waaay to short for bullshit... and despite what is going on right now, I would say putting things in place for you to possibly have a better future after we get through this whole situation is probably the best thing you can do right now!

I do believe we will make it through this!

Stay positive people! Love ya!!

EDIT: I forgot one tip to add to this...

Tip 10: Feeling lonely? Call/FaceTime/Skype/Zoom/Facebook Video Chat with your friends and family. Yes, we have to stay isolated, but that doesn't mean we can't share a call or video chat with friends and family!

Twitch, COVID19 & Plans!

Well, I thought it would be better if I write this down… Obviously we all know the situation… it’s good to minimize contact with other humans right now… if you are gonna be around people, make sure it’s small numbers… not huge gatherings, if you can self-isolate… even better. As some of you folks know, if you watched the most recent video we made here! As well as previous videos about isolation… it is very tough for me to be in isolation… I deal with it a lot, have dealt with it a lot over the last… well we’ll just say, there’s been plenty of times that I’ve been forced into isolation, due to not being able to get out with friends, because they are too busy doing other things, or doing their own thing, or whatever, so I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I will say though, if it wasn’t for this “forced” isolation, I wouldn’t have written the first “Self-Titled” Twitch album… Twitch wouldn’t exist if it hadn’t been for that, and now I can say with confidence, that Twitch has existed for 20ish years (we turn 21 this year), and most bands can’t say that! I will also say… being that that has also been the case over the years, I have, what my friends like to call it “workaholic” ethic when it comes to my music endeavor, but in a positive way (not to the point where I’m unhealthy because of it)! So, on that note… You’ll hear some of this and see some of this on our social channels, though blog posts like this, or YouTube, Facebook, or Instagram… and I’m telling you what the plan is here… we are waiting on a couple details (artwork) and just sorting out set-lists for preparation of potential live shows, in support of this album. If things don’t work out in our favor and it is recommended that we have to self-isolate for much longer, we are preparing for live stream performances on Facebook or other platforms (if there is a better way to do it) for people to watch in support of this album!   …I’m not sure the logistics quite yet of the album, I think we’ll be keeping it completely and strictly digital! That is the way the world is moving… and I figure for us that is the best way in going about in distributing Twitch…

...So, on that note, even though this situation seems to be bleak (I truly don’t think it is), and there are opportunities for us and other humans to reach out, and help others…. Whether that’s facetiming/skyping/ or video chat with your friends if they are quarantined or are self-isolating! Stay safe people! Do what you can, and if you are feeling isolated, definitely reach out and chat with friends online through text, and if you are like me who needs some kind of human contact, do facetime/skype, they may not be there physically, but you can still chat and maybe have a beer with them in a virtual space or video chat!! Even me people, if you want to have a video chat, let me know… I’ll definitely be there for you!! Love you folks, once again stay stafe… sometimes we are thrown these curveballs, but remain positive we have survived worse!!

Love your Canadian Goth | Rivethead,

Shayne “Daemon_w60” Lawrence / Twitch

P.S.: I’m gonna try to write or video once a day and post those up on the various social platforms to keep you positive and thinking about ways you can get around isolation… and some of the tips I have used and such in the past, to get you started, here’s a blog with some tips regarding isolation here!

Isolation, and Maybe The Answer to Having A Semi-Social Life...

(Photo courtesy of Katja Moeller)

Well, as you may have read in one of my previous blogs "Embracing The Isolation" here, the last little while I've experienced a bit of isolation, a kind of forced isolation (not really my choice, more of just, not being able to get out with friends as much as I would like to, and also kind of trying to achieve some goals monetarily-wise), and I want to touch upon the subject again, as a couple of days ago, I went for a long walk, and I was thinking about some things I could do to get out and just be in social environments... and I was reminded, that waaaay back in 2001, I used to have this routine, where every Friday, I would hit up an internet cafe, here in Calgary, and surf the net and just be around people, every-once-in-a-while I would play some team based games (Counter-Strike) that they had available as well, I fuckin sucked, I died a lot but, I think just being in that environment allowed me to just be around people, even if I was only there to surf the net. I remember when that stopped, cause I got internet at home, so there was no reason to do the usual internet cafe routine...

...Sooo, I was thinking about it, and I'm like "Maybe I need to do that again..?", so I think I'm going to re-introduce that into my routine... just so that I'm out and around people, even if I'm just doing my own thing... then at least it's an evening that I'll definitely be out, and get in some social time. Not sure where I'm going to hit up yet, but I'm thinking I could spend a couple of hours in a pub or a coffee shop with my laptop, and work on creative endeavors... I mean if I wanted, I could work on writing music (as the software I use to write is on my laptop), or other creative things I want to do... The time I spent in that internet cafe, even though I wasn't really chatting with anyone, it was good to just get out and be in an environment where I could be social if I wanted to... sooo, I think in this New Year I'm gonna try that again and see if it helps alleviate some of this isolation (I know I can't get away from it completely, but at least I'll be doing this)! Not sure what day I'm gonna pick to do it, not sure I'll be able to pick a specific day anyway, as our rehearsal schedule is generally dependent on when my live guitarist is available, and shows can be on weird fucked up days too, but maybe it doesn't have to be a specific day of the week, maybe it's just, a day during the week I have available that I make the decision to force myself to get out and be around people.

(Photo courtesy of Katja Moeller)

If you folks haven't guessed yet, I'm a very social person, and I need a lot of social time... that's why I feel isolated a lot, cause I'm not getting in enough of the social time I need. I think the one thing right now, outside of my job (Mon-Fri) and the one day I have set aside to do music stuff (Saturday), I don't really have a routine thing I do (like I work-out almost everyday of the week, and I do meditate on Tuesday evenings, and spend the evening not doing anything music related [need to have one evening just to relax], but outside of those things, my social schedule is all over the place)... our rehearsal days could be any day of the week, and as I stated above, my guitarist, his work schedule is usually all over the place, so we have to work around it, unfortunately... and we never know what day shows happen (not that I mind that though)... and I never really know when I'm getting together with friends (there have been times I've gone a couple of weeks or longer without actually seeing anyone, except when I have to get groceries or I force myself to hit up a coffee shop or something), so I think I've got to make more of an effort every week to get out and be in a social environment. I guess the other thing is, I feel like this isolation is actually helping me to be productive, and creative, and I want to maintain that level of productivity... so maybe when I do go out to a pub or coffee shop, I'll make sure I'm working on something creative, whether that's music or music related stuff! What do you typically do when you feel isolated? Let me know!

Thank you for reading,

(Your Canadian Goth / Rivethead)

Shayne "Daemon_w60" Lawrence

Embracing The Isolation

Well, while I was in the middle of writing one blog, I was inspired to write this one… Right now, I feel sooo motivated! In my musical and other creative endeavors… what inspired me this time was, well… my current situation… I’ve been feeling a little on edge lately, there’s a lot I want to do in life, and I’ve been feeling isolated lately, and unfortunately, it’s a forced isolation… I don’t really have a choice in it, it’s partially due to just not being able to get together with friends as much as I would like to, it’s also due to some goals I want to reach monetarily, and just not being able to get out to events that I want to due to the funds being allocated to something else. Normally, I would be a little stressed about this, because I’m a very social person, but as of lately, I’ve started to embrace this forced isolation as an opportunity to work on my creative endeavors and get ahead in that sense! I will tell you, after living in this city for as long as I have (21ish years), I’ve started to realize that isolation is a normal everyday thing in this city… I’m coming to expect it… Something that you may not know, is my first “Self-titled” album, that album I was dealing with my first, but once again, a forced isolation, I was so depressed and that album was pretty much born out of that isolation. As I stated above, I’m coming to expect it here, and after all my time here, I’m starting to embrace it… I don’t get to hang with people as much as I would like, I’ve put in a lot of effort in maintaining the relationships that I do have, and unfortunately what I currently have is not enough for me. However, despite that, I’ve put in a lot of effort trying to have some kind of semblance of a social life, but the results of all that effort, well… I’m still struggling to actually have a social life… but as of lately (as stated above), I’m starting to embrace the isolation, and I’m using that time that I would “normally” be out socializing, to work on my creative endeavors… and I’m finding it highly motivating… of course this is only temporary, until I can figure out how to actually get out of this city, but for now I’m embracing the isolation, and getting ahead on my creative endeavors! I may have another album lined up as well, lol... (There’s the one we are releasing soonish, I’ve got some themes for the one after, as well as the one after that one… they even have names now)! No rest for the wicked!



Here’s some tips for people who are isolated, to help you break up, or make use of a forced isolation:

1. Get Creative; If you are isolated but it’s a forced isolation (no choice), work on your creative endeavors (write music, draw, paint, write… whatever it is)!

2. Learn something new; learn a new skill, maybe pick up and teach yourself how to play guitar, or whatever instrument you are interested in learning that you have access to. Or teach yourself new drawing or painting techniques!

3. Another tip to get out and be semi-social: Head to your local coffee shop and work on your creative endeavors there (if possible), for instance when I feel I need to be around people, and friends aren't available to do stuff, I will go to a coffee shop and write new music on my laptop, or write lyrics, or even just get out some ideas of where I would like to go creatively for the next release. I mean, there’s a multitude of other things you can do, take a sketchbook with you and draw, or plot out your ideas for your next painting.

4. OR, it doesn’t have to be a coffee shop, it could be a pub or bar… sit in your own booth or seat and work on things there (Although I would say, careful not to spill your beer on your shit, cause that could ruin whatever you’re working on… especially a laptop [can’t exactly recover very well when the internals of a laptop are soaked in beer])…

Other things you can do, just for general mental health;

5. Go for walks. Getting out for a fresh breath of air and clearing your head-space can be really helpful when you are not able to hang with friends, and you can really come back with a clear refreshed mind from your walk!

6. Workout and stretching if you find you sit a lot during the day at your job.

My final tip is:

7. Meditating! I find meditating very useful for not only clearing my mind, but also for spiritual purposes as well, especially when I’m trying to figure out what are the next steps I need to take for my endeavors and such… also, it really helps with general well-being and such!

I hope those are helpful, and hey if you have any other tips that have worked for you, please leave them in the comments!

(Your Canadian Goth / Rivethead)

Here's to embracing the isolation,

Shayne “Daemon_w60” Lawrence / Twitch


P.S.: The tips are what have worked for me, they may not necessarily work for others, in the end, you gotta find what works for you!

P.P.S.: It's really funny that this evening (December 9/2019) I end up having a conversation, after the fact of writing this blog, about the topic of isolation. Thanks for the convo lady (not sure you want me to mention your name here, but thank you for the conversation)!

Time and The Urgency of Living a Full Life with No Regrets

Well, recently, like in the last few months I've been reminded of the shortness of our time to live on Earth (we maybe have 100 years if we are lucky, and in good health), and being that time is so short, I might as well live life to it's fullest, and do the things I feel and want, cause yeah... time is extremely short, and quite frankly, I might as well do the things I want and feel! As of recently, I've decided to wear makeup whenever the fuck I feel like it... sometimes I don't leave my apartment, but fuck it... I'm gonna put on eyeliner and get dressed up! It doesn't even have to be a special occasion... or even if I'm going out for a coffee with a friend or solo, why the fuck not get dressed up and put on eyeliner and shit! We are certainly not getting younger. And, if life is so short, why the fuck not get the tattoos I want? Why not do the things I want? And a tip for you folks reading this... fuck what others think! In the end, what someone else thinks of you has no effect on your life, and quite frankly you shouldn't let it! Here's the mental side of it... through your entire life the one thing that will happen to all of us... in the end we all die... so do you want to live your life in fear, worrying about what others think and say of you..? Or do you want to live your life how you want, walking the path you want, not giving a fuck about what others think... no fear? I don't know if I can reiterate this enough, we are all gonna die someday, do you want the end of your life to be full of regret not doing the things you wanted to do.. fearing that you may be ostracized, or picked on, or called a freak, or whatever..? Or do you want to live life to fullest, knowing that you may die someday and that there is no time like today to do the things you want and feel, cause fuck... you never know when you are going to die..?

There you go folks... there's a mental, motivational lesson for you... I do realize for some it may be hard, but do everything in your power to live that full life, if it means to get help from a professional, so you can finally start to feel happiness, fuckin do it! Do whatever you need to do to finally achieve that peace! Find people that are supportive... fuck the rest, cause they are not worth your time or energy!

Note: I do realize sometimes an individual can feel lonely at times, stepping out of their comfort zone and doing the things you want or feel like doing, and sometimes it is lonely, but be the person you want to be, live the life you want to, be yourself... you will find your true friends are the ones that love you for who you are!


Love your Canadian Rivethead,

Shayne "Daemon_w60" Lawrence

(Your Canadian Goth / Rivethead)

Breaking from the norm, and making a... mistake...

Normally, I spend every Saturday in the studio, working on music or some other music related stuff, I find that day works for me… but, every-once-in-a-while, breaking from the norm, I’ll venture out of the studio on a Saturday, and every time I do that, I regret it… today I tried to do something a little different, and decided to get out of the studio this afternoon (around 3:30pmish) and went and had a coffee, and worked on some other music stuff. The result… it was a mistake… I’ve made this mistake a few other times as well in the past… whenever I do something like this, I always come to the conclusion, stay in the studio… stepping outside of that on a Saturday (with a few minor exceptions) is just not a good idea… mental health-wise Saturdays for me, are reserved for strictly being in the studio working on music, or music related stuff. No breaking from the norm. I now realize that. Saturday will always be the day that I have to remain in the studio and either be making music or music related stuff! I was trying to change up my environment today, to get some fresh ideas… but I find when I step out of the Saturday routine of being in the environment, either nothing gets done, or I just don’t get as much done, and I suffer mentally cause of it… sorry folks, that’s just the way it is… I’m glad I learnt this lesson today… if I plan on being in a different environment on a Saturday, it has to be after my allocated studio hours (which is between 9:30am to 7pm). Of course there are the rare exceptions, like when I’m travelling and such… and I have no other options (even then I try to take some time out of the day to work on stuff), but yeah, those are the only exceptions. For some, that may not seem logical, but for me… I need that routine… that is just a fact of my life... is it a blessing..? A Curse..? I view it as a blessing, cause I’m forced to be in the studio doing something musically, or music related, that’s it!

Today's lesson; Saturday will always be reserved for being in my studio and working on my musical endeavor, whether it's writing music or working on other aspects. After everything that has happened over this last 20 year time span of Twitch's existence, there is no diverging from the original routine of being in the studio and working on music, or music related stuff!

Time to get back to work!

Dreamtime in Shayne's Dreamland: Part 3: I don't know what the fuck...

Well, this time around I have nothing to report... I dreamt last night, but nothing I could remember, unfortunately... but I think from the last couple of days, the two dreams that I do remember... have their own meaning separate from each other. While I was writing about the first one (here) I found it quite easy to discern meaning from it... and as I wrote the second one (here), once again it was quite easy to discern their meaning! So, on that note, I'm not going to continue to post this kind of stuff on social media, and in my blogs and such... as I don't really think anyone is interested in reading about my fuckin dreams in dreamland... but, I will say... as an exercise, I liked the idea of typing them out or writing them down... I may to continue to do that in privacy... but, as I stated in the first blog in this series, I do remember most of my dreams... and normally I can quickly discern what exactly they are about, and what my mind is trying to tell me, (granted that is not always the case, as some nights I can't remember exactly what I dreamt about, but that does happen sometimes) and if it's not revealed in the first dream I have it is often revealed in the third dream... but this time around, as stated above, blogging about this series... I was able to discern, as I was typing them out, what they were about! So, if I were to offer anyone advice when it comes to dreams and such, and trying to figure out exactly what your subconscious or mind is trying to tell you, maybe write or type out your dreams and keep a dream log somewhere... you never know what may be affecting you psychologically, and sometimes the answers come to you in dreams. Course this is all subjective, what I dream about I'll interpret differently than someone else who has had a similar dream, and the way I interpret my dream might be interpreted differently than someone else reading about and assessing my dreams. In the end, I look at the bigger picture of what is going on around me at the time, what is stressing me out, or other concerns or things I'm thinking about at the time, and then look at what happens in the dream, and determine what my mind is trying to tell me!


Speaking of dreams... I dream of a better world! We've got an album on the way here, here's something to listen to while you wait:

Dreamtime in Shayne's Dreamland... part 1: The War

Well, not many of you know, but ever since I was young I've kept a mental record of most of my dreams while I'm sleeping, I generally remember most of them. I've always been able to draw meaning from them... and if it doesn't happen the first night of a vivid dream then it's usually the third night in a row, that the meaning will come to me... Whenever, I've had problems or issues in my life, I've always found that a combination of meditation and studying my dreams has really helped me make decisions or helped me realize certain things, or let me know there is something that I need to do, or something that I need to address. Our minds are amazing things... it takes all the information that we've processed all day, and at least I've generally found, I've been able to take meaning from the dreams that I've had, and maybe learn something, or take action on something that I need to do. I know a lot of people say dreams could be just that... nothing more that reflections of our daily activities... but believe it or not, if you listen to your dreams and what your mind is trying to tell you about your daily activities (maybe it's work [I hate work dreams; as that means I'm getting stressed out, and will eventually wake soon cause I'm worried about work, and what I should be doing is relaxing], or maybe it's interactions with your friends, and conversations you've had with them throughout the day or week, or maybe it's other stuff like creative endeavors and possible directions that you've been stressing about and you are not too sure which direction... there could be all sorts of things... and it's all purely individual based cause each of us has a different job, we have different friends, we have different aspirations and goals in your life)... but when we are sleeping your brain doesn't shut off... it's actually working on problems while you sleep sub-consciously...and what I've found by studying and interpreting my own dreams (a long time ago, I was trying to interpret dreams by using dream definition book [ie: if you dream a certain animal, it means this certain thing], but I found it was never helpful, none of it's definitions were true for me, and I realized, every single "Dream Dictionary" type books is based on the writers definition of what these things mean... so, I started to listen to my own dreams and define themself)... and generally if the meaning does't come in the first dream it'll resolve itself, after a 3 day cycle, and I'll wake up with the answer! And, that leads to "Shayne's Dreamland: Part 1: The War!"

This dream started off with me doing a little wandering in the around and moving into this house (If I'm not mistaken it was a house I was living in with parents or brother... and a friend showed up (yes, Jordan Jaundice showed up in my dream... he wanted me to take care of his dog for a little while, so I agreed to do it, while I was taking care of his dog, I was looking outside, and people were preparing for war in our City (I think it was Calgary), cause of all that shit is going on in politics lately (with the election here in Canada, and in the US), I was afraid, cause I didn't want to pick up a gun, and possibly have to fight my neighbors or fellow Canadians, and I really don't want to use a gun, cause I have no fuckin idea what I'm going to do with it... when Jordan Jaundice got back... because I was sooo worried about this war, and I could see neighbors in the area planning and stocking up on weapons (think the neighbor right across from us had a modern military canon, the type that you sit in and pull ze trigger to launch some kind of missile or whatever). So, I told him I need to protect myself, and he handed my this shitty small revolver... then when he was about to leave again... he took his dog, looked over the dog, and I knew he wasn't gonna trust me with his dog (in real life I love all animals and I love dogs especially larger dogs; Huskies anyone??), but I also felt a little bit of relief because I new I would have to take care of him and have the added stress of having to dog sit, and also protecting myself if a war does happen... the dream got a little more vivid at this point, and I was starting to think the dream was real, and I hear this voice saying "You're getting closer" as I was heading into this upper room of the house, an I realized I was in a very deep sleep, and generally when things get vivid like that, it's time to wake myself up, so I shook (I literally force my body to shake) myself out of the dream and woke up!

...So, I suspect the next couple of days I will have a couple more vivid dreams like this and the meaning will be revealed to me (as that is usually what happens if it's not revealed sooner)...

... I will tell you my initial thought's I think I'm worried about politics, polarization, us vs them shit that certain conservative governments are trying to push forward...as a way of dividing people into us vs them, in order to divide us and make it easier to control us... cause that is what polarization is... and if you look at politics around the world, and especially here in Canada and in our neighbors in the South... a lot of the conservative agenda has been to push this idea that polarization is happening (I have another theory why they are pushing that idea, but that is a conversation for another time), and I'm slightly worried about the coming Canadian election, as if things don't go well, there's no telling what will happen. However, maybe I'm off on this... we'll see in the next couple of days... maybe there is another reason for this dream... I will keep you folks informed on this dream cycle and let you know if there is any meaning that comes to me in the next couple of days!


P.S.: At some point here, I'll also go into a little more details on the definition of what I mean by "Dreamland" as suggested in the title of this post!


What have you folks been dreaming about lately? Do you take meaning from your dreams..?

:Wumpscut: - Dried Blood of Gomorrha

Been listening to :Wumspcut: a lot these days (yeah, for now I've put down the Ministy, lol), and I remember my first :Wumpscut: purchase and how I felt about it... the very first :Wumpscut: track I heard was "Soylent Green" (it was being played in the clubs at the time)... but my very first :Wumpscut: purchase was actually "Dried Blood of Gomorrha" (went into the store hoping to find "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe", but unfortunately they only had "Dried Blood of Gomorrha", so I picked it up, without actually ever hearing any of the tracks off of it)! I remember listening to this on CD way back in the day (probably late 2000 early 2001), and the feeling it evoked for me... well, there's a long story that goes with this... if you purchased our "20 Years of Twitch" retrospective, included in that is a digital booklet that details the story of Twitch from the early days (1999) until now (2019), and I get a little into detail about struggling mentally in that story, well it was during that time that I had purchased "Dried Blood of Gomorrha" and it was really weird feeling, I really liked the music on this, but in my mind it's associated with bad memories... and every time that I had listened to it in the past, it would evoke the feelings I had when I was not doing very well... obviously now new memories are being formed, and as I've started to listen to it again, I am actually starting to really love this album, it's creepy and dark, it's bleak... the imagery in the CD artwork is a combination of what is, I do believe, World War II and possibly photos from the Vietnam War, and various images of decaying bodies... I typically don't look at them anymore, but I think the music and the whole package is very bleak. I will say, the sound quality and the ambiance that the album creates is quite different... at the time my only exposure to :Wumpscut: was the album "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe", (maybe "Embryodead" too) and I loved it! This was very different... I would say it almost seems mellow and dark compared to any of the tracks off of "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe"... (I realize some people think this album was a lot harder than "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe", but this for me was definitely a lot mellower sounding), I will also say this album definitely creates an ambiance that isn't there on "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe"... "Music For A Slaughtering Tribe" was definitely more harder electro-industrial. Right now, I'm not sure why I'm starting to love this album, but my feelings around it are changing and I'm starting to form new good memories (probably because things are good right now). If you haven't yet, please listen (maybe you hear what I hear?), and let me know your thoughts on this album!





Also, if you have the cash, please support Rudy, and purchase this, or any of his other albums on Bandcamp!! You can find them here!

P.S.: Wumpscut slightly influenced Twitch's sound back in the day... but that's a story for another time! ;)

Mistakes and Learning from your Past

Well, I just want to say something here, especially about mistakes, and learning from your past. What I'm finding is, a lot of people (especially) in the online social media communities are quite reactionary and aren't really thinking about what they are saying and the example they are setting for others... This is true of everyone; we all make mistakes, no one is perfect (I have made plenty of mistakes, and paid for them too)... that includes politicians, police, military, everyone... every single person on this planet has made a mistake... some people are paying for their mistakes in the penitentiary system, some of them are paying for them by doing probation in society, or community service... some of them have learned them by being called out by their family or friends... No one, absolutely no one is pure... if we didn't make mistakes, how the fuck are we supposed to learn and make amends, and rehabilitate... I'm not gonna point any fingers here, but I'll give an example... remember the guy on the Greyhound bus that decapitated a kid... I'm sure most of you remember that story... that guy is now walking free in society... after the incident, he was given a psychological assessment, they found he had a mental illness, and that whole incident was the result of his mental illness... after serving a period of time in jail (or whatever correctional institution he was in), with being monitored, he was given the go to be released back into society, because he was doing well, and realized the error of his mistake, and is now on a serious dose of medication (that story is here)... There were a lot of people pissed off about that, because he served very little time (the family of the victim wanted him to remain in jail), but I think that's what people are forgetting... the idea of jail is in the end we want to rehabilitate these people, and get them to be a functioning member of society... that is the key, jail is not meant to be a revenge on the perpetrator of a crime (that is why they are called correctional facilities)... Granted there's people who get released into society that probably shouldn't be, but there are also people who have rehabilitated and should be given a chance to be integrated into normal society again (I'm sure some of you will block me, or even have some choice words, or this post gets blocked or flagged or whatever, but quite frankly I'm not afraid to say it, cause we have to be aware that we all make mistakes, and we should all be given a chance to correct them and learn from them), I think that's my point... everyone should be given the chance to correct their mistakes and learn from them, to be rehabilitated... Maybe this is an unpopular topic, but I think it needs to be said, cause if we are truly human, we need to give people this ability, we need to give them the ability to make amends.

Note: I'm not an apologist here either... I do realize sometimes people have to remain in jail for the rest of their lives cause they can't be rehabilitated currently (cause we don't know how to fix them), or being in jail the rest of their lives is how they rehabilitate. What I'm trying to point out here is that we do have to let people make amends and heal/rehabilitate (if they can)... I mean look at anyone's life... how many times have you or your friend fucked up, or made a mistake and your friends understand that and have given you a chance to make amends?? I'm also not saying that these mistakes or whatever are right, what I'm saying is that everybody makes them, and should be given a chance to make amends (as I stated earlier).

What do you folks think?

Mental Health and Music

There was an recent article released about how 73% of independent musicians are affected by mental health issues, or worry about their mental health, which you can read here! I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not surprised with the study, and to me it's always been obvious that this has been the case... musicians and artists typically use their music as a means of therapy, to get out the issues and things that they've been struggling with... when you add the business side to things and trying to succeed within that business, and trying to make a living... the pressure can be great. I will be honest, I struggled with mental health issues for a number of years. There was actually a period of 4 or 5 years that I lost to mental health issues (not focusing on music, and not progressing musically), and sometimes it bothers me that I lost that period of time, as I could've been pushing my music career forward, rather than dealing with mental health. I would say that, I do realize that now, and I have figured out ways to cope... and even though I'm behind, and not where I want to be musically, I would say that if it wasn't for those 4 or 5 years, I would probably be in a much worse place... I wouldn't have the coping skills that I have now, and I might have been locked in some mental institution or something like that. I also realized that, yes, I do have to do music... it is a requirement for my mental health... I realized, when I'm not focused on it, or music related stuff, my mental health declines... course there are other aspects too... obviously that can't be the only focus, being healthy physically and spiritually is also, essential too! Without that whole picture I or anybody for that matter would be struggling mentally. Each of those pieces are important! I think the one thing that is worrisome and pisses me off, is that here in Canada... the province I live in (Alberta), there has been a conservative government elected in, and I will not be surprised if mental health initiatives and funding for people who are using mental health supports will see cuts! We'll see people having to move out of their homes because they can't afford to pay rent, or pay for food, or medications or whatever... We'll see a lot of them being dumped on the streets... and the government doesn't care... I know when Stephen Harper was in power... he thought mentally-ill people should be in jail or locked up in institutions. Unfortunately, this new Premier, Jason Kenny, worked with Stephen Harper, and has even more extreme views than his Prime Minister friend... I think that is why it's important to remain strong and don't give up, cause most of us know, having a mental illness or mental health issues, doesn't make you a criminal... and I would also say to any musician/artist that... use this situation or similar situations in your writing and art, as the world needs your voice, and we can only overcome this by raising awareness of these issues, and destroying any stigma attached to mental health issues!